I believe that as women living with PCOS, we go through the five stages of grief.
The first part is denial. I know that I did this, so I am going to use myself as an example. I tried to deny that anything was wrong:
- “Maybe the doctor didn’t even know what she was talking about.”
- “There couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with me, not when I wanted a baby so much.”
- “I ignored it and tried to plan it all out. If I just got the days in line then it would all come together.”
It wasn’t happening though. Month after month, period after period, heart break after heart break. It was getting harder to ignore. There was something wrong with me and I couldn’t deny it anymore, so I slid into anger. How was any of this fair? There were girls out there that didn’t even want kids and they were popping them out left and right. Girls who shouldn’t be having kids were doing it, so why couldn’t I?
A friend, someone who I love and respect, decided with her husband that they wanted another child. They already have two children. So she got off her birth control and literally a couple of months later they were pregnant. Oh, I tried SO hard not be jealous, hurt and angry at her. It wasn’t her fault. It was my body that was betraying me. I couldn’t help it. I was just so angry all the time, at everyone. I couldn’t even look at baby pictures without getting mad. If someone started talking about babies or kids I got up and left, wanted no part of it.
When anger stopped working, I made my way to bargaining. I begged God that I would do anything to have a kid. Whatever He wanted I would give Him. I don’t have the best relationship with God, but I was willing to walk through fire, if He asked me to. Almost every day I begged, pleaded and tried to bargain with the man upstairs. It was a desperate act on my part, I felt like a failure and I thought that having a baby would fix it all. That I would finally be worth something.
Now that I was finding that bargaining wasn’t working, depression came next. I would lay in bed crying. What was I worth now? Everyone says that it’s a wife’s duty to give kids. If you don’t have a great job or something equally as worthy, then you should have kids. Wait a year to give husband and wife a chance to get to know each other, then start popping babies. Well I didn’t have a great job and now I couldn’t even give my husband a child. I kept imagining my future baby and they were perfect. I know deep in my soul my husband would make the best father, but I won’t know because I can’t get pregnant to be able to provide the desperately desired child. I tried talking to him about adopting but I could tell he wasn’t sold on the idea, I knew deep down he wanted a baby that was his, that we made together and was of our flesh and blood. I couldn’t offer that. What good was I then? I started to withdraw from him. I felt worthless and a failure as a wife and then as a friend. I felt that I literally brought nothing to our relationship.
I can’t say that I’m completely over my depression but I’m finding that it’s starting to fade. I’m learning that there is more for me than just making babies and feeling sorry for myself. I needed a purpose, something I wanted and could accomplish. I’m now working towards joining the National Guard. I have a goal and steps to take towards it. I’ve talked to my husband and told him I want to start fostering kids. We have the space in our home and in our hearts. I want to be able to make a difference in the world, even if it’s small.
At first, I didn’t think he would be on board, but he told me that once I became established in my career choice, we could do it.
So now I don’t have just a physical goal, but an emotional one to. I now have a purpose to get to and it’s helping. I am learning very slowly that I am finally coming to acceptance. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up, but I am now no longer letting it control me, to shape me or change me from the person I was or want to be. I’m not letting it take me away from my husband. I didn’t think he would understand and I also didn’t want to upset him, but he’s my best friend and I have found that I don’t have to do this alone; and I strongly believe that neither do you.
MORAL OF THE STORY?
Don’t let PCOS control you.
- Don’t give up on your dreams or wants.
- Take control of your own life. Find something to work towards.
- Most importantly, find someone who cares and will stand by you and with you.
Understand and go through the five stages and know that it will eventually end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. No pain lasts forever, though it may feel like it. I promise you that it doesn’t, unless you let it.
I can do this. You can do this. We can do this. You aren’t alone, so don’t try to do it all alone.